It is my hope to reflect on where I am in body, mind, and spirit each week. Midweek seems to be a good time for that, as it is usually a time of trying to catch up before the weekend. As such, I will be as surprised as the topics that come out of this post as you will.
It is so easy to get caught up in the act of racing time. We have these ridiculous to do lists and self impose expectations. Always trying to do more. When did quantity and stuff replace quality?
This is a question that I began asking myself several years ago. I lived a different life then. A life caught between the expectations of others, image, money, and the expectations of various social circles. As time went by I yearned for the days of my youth where I had envisioned a completely different life for myself. A passion driven life guided by my heart’s desire … little did I realize that the dreams of that young woman were the key for my art of sacred living.
As I felt more and more that I walked a tightrope of anxiety filled days where I could never be myself and had to please so many people, a small voice began whispering “why not?” more and more. My dreams returned to those of my youth and I shed a lot of secret tears. I was ashamed to tell my closest friends how miserable I was. After all, wasn’t I living the American dream? I had a long term marriage, high paying job, house, and a thriving social circle.
It may have been someone’s dream, but it was not mine. There was not a house full of giggling children (okay, giggle, crying, fighting, giggling – lather, rinse, repeat), a deep partnership with those in my life, passion, art, magic and mutual respect as well as unconditional love. The money did not matter to me. In fact, whenever I had extra and someone I loved needed something I just gave them the money. To me, money is just a means for taking care of my loved ones.
The magic, the love, the whatever it is for each of us that makes life sacred was very absent from my life. My heart felt like it was bleeding and my soul felt as though it were withering. Was it a bad life? No, but it was not the life for me. I was living everyone else’s expectations. My needs, desires, and passions were dubbed unimportant hobbies. There was a point that I could no longer live that way.
For years I held a picture in my mind of the life I wanted. During that time, I did talk to my now ex-husband about what I wanted. However, what we both wanted out of life was so different that it led to a lot of strife. Still we endured because of our vows. Then I could not take another day of merely enduring. It wasn’t right to anyone.
I knew that if I did not take a leap of faith, then and there, that I was going to whither away. I had hit that point of no return and I am too stubborn for that. The passion in me would not allow me. I truly believed that I could live the sacred life of my dreams … so, I lept, and I fell. The next two years were so unbelievably hard. Now, I know it was because I was giving birth to my true self.
It was the most frightening experience of my life. I left behind all the logic that had kept me in that life, a high paying job, and the security of knowing what each day would be. Then I embraced true freedom. The only expectation I had been given was to be myself … that was the most terrifying expectation ever laid on me. What if I disappointed? Slowly, through transformation and lots of emotional and mental unraveling of others wants, needs, and desires from my own wants, needs, and desires I realized that the only person I had to worry about disappointing was myself.
That is not as easy as it sounds. I lived with expectations of perfection for so long that being human has taken a long time to grow into. As well as, giving myself the unconditional love, compassion, friendship, and support that I have always given those that I love. Each step of this journey has reminded me of the vision I had of life when I was a young woman.
Sometimes, I wish I had done things a bit differently. Then Freyrson reminds me that I would not be the person that I am now and Isaura reminds me that everything happens for a reason. They are both right. Would I value everything that I have? I would hope so, but who knows.
What I do know is that I am dedicated to making this life sacred. I am dedicated to sharing this journey and that I am human. I do not have the perfect answer for myself or anyone else. What I do have are very human experiences to share, as well as the tools that I am finding helpful in my journey. It is my hope that you will share your journey with me and together we learn the Art of Sacred Living.
Question for yourself: Where in your life do you have quantity and where do you have Quality? Where would you like more Quality? What is one simple thing you can do to give yourself the gift of Quality?