Full Moon Adventures

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive — the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

~ Don Miguel Ruiz

This last full moon was indeed magical. It was one of those cycles where the silvery light of the moon illuminated the shadows of the soul. We all have things we need to face before we can move into a new cycle of our life. This last moon forced me to look at the dark corners and admit feelings that I did not want to face. We all have events in our life that occur and leave us feeling helpless. I suck at feeling helpless.

Isaura helped give me perspective on the difference between letting go and giving up. Somehow, in my mind, they became one in the same. I can let go of a situation when it is time to; whether or not easily is dependent on the circumstances, however giving up is something that I have never been good at. I am very persistent and good at finding options or alternatives. Feeling helpless sets in when I cannot find those options or alternatives.

In the midst of dealing with these emotions, I experienced some amazing acts of love. First, my family’s love and support is always amazing to me. They continue to inspire me to be a better person. Secondly, a friend helped me along the path of achieving a life long dream (details to follow). Finally, another friend took the initiative to bridge our physical gap of almost three years.

All in all it was an amazing weekend. A reminder of all the love that I have in my life. I am so very grateful to the influence of the moon in my life.

Love & Gratitude,
Irisa

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French

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Land, Sea, and Sky (Day 40, plus catch up)

There is a place I know where Land, Sea, and Sky meet.  I found this place a long time ago and it is very sacred to me.  Each time I am there it is as if I am coming home.  The Fae greet me by the archway and love supports me through my journeys there and back again.  It is an amazing place.

Tonight, the light of the full moon gave everything a silvery glow.  Her reflection upon the water was brilliant.  Each living creature had their soul nourished by her loving gaze.  My magic was added to hers … and I am giddy with love, friendship, and sight.

The past is the past.  It does not define who I am, nor should it.  Life events are threads in our personal tapestry.  The colors forming a pattern that we often cannot see until years later.  However, once that particular experience is woven into our story that is where it remains.  As part of the story that made us the person we are today.  My past is my support into who I am today, but it does not define me.  The events that currently unfold and how I react to them define who I am at this moment.  Whether I have learned from my past and apply that wisdom when relevant may be a part of that, but that does not allow my past to define me.

I have made massive changes in my life.  These were choices that I made to come closer to what I want, need, and desire.  That is part of who I am.  I strive to make my current situation the best that it can be and when it isn’t, work to change that.  However, I do not believe that everything can be fixed.  I do believe in, and feel that, “the season, reason, or lifetime” viewpoint is accurate to life situations.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Not everything in our life needs to be permanent.  It isn’t logical or logistically possible for true personal growth if nothing ever transitions out of our life.

Accepting me means accepting that I change.  Sometimes it will feel as all I am doing is changing, other times it will seem a long time in the making.  I do not usually share when I am considering massive transitions.  Nor do I ask anyone in my life to take these changes personally.  If they affect you directly, you will know because I will say something to you. Where is this coming from?  I am perplexed at how I keep hearing that my choosing to end one phase of my life is something that individuals took personally.  Accept that there were reasons this needed to happen and, unless you have been told otherwise by me, that it is not something you should take personally.

I am happy.  I am at peace.  I have love. My life and spirit have changed.  To those who haven’t known me more than a decade, it must seem radical.  For those that have known me longer than a decade, it must seem as I am returning to myself after a long journey.  Different or the same, it really doesn’t matter. Each day, each moment we have a choice and a chance to be something better than we were the moment before.  I believe in embracing opportunity, because it may not come again.

Live a life from the heart.  Live a life of freedom.  Do not restrain yourself by the rules of engagement to fit into a niche of society that makes your body ache and heart wither.  Be true to yourself, Never lose your voice, Be awesome and Engaging, Bright and Beautiful.  Be yourself.  Know who that is through the trial and error of your decisions.  Have fun.  Live in love.  Respect others who choose to do the same.

 

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Days 23 – 33 of Body, Mind, and Spirit

The time slips by so quickly.  I have managed to do some private writing every day, but I definitely need to get better at the public writing.  Since I began this project, I have noticed a lot of changes in myself.  Things that have happened simply due to the awareness that comes from mindfulness.  Taking time to be mindful of my thoughts and actions has given me the emotional distance needed to allow for clarity.

Perhaps this clarity is what initially drew me to the concept of mindfulness when I was in college.  Whatever drew me to this in the past, I find that my present benefits drastically from being mindful.  I am finding myself more in sync with my friends and family, as well as myself and Earth Mother.  These days, peace, love, and gratitude are my constant companions.  This is a welcome change from the years of emotional turmoil that I allowed myself to function under.

The catalyst of this cauldron of emotions was leaving a life of twenty years and moving into creating the life I had begun to envision for myself when I was a teen.  For years I struggled with the decision to leave that life and move into something that filled my soul.  If you have ever left someone that you once loved, let alone a life you have created, and land that you have tended, then you know that leaving is never easy.

The result of leaving was a great deal of emotional turmoil.  On one hand, I was happier than I had ever been.  I finally felt free to be myself and pursue my dreams with people who have similar dreams.  However,  I had been committed to an entirely different life for twenty years.  Since childhood this was the life that I was told that I was supposed to want.  Some aspects of that life I did want, but much of it did not speak to my heart and soul.  I struggled so very much to conform and make everyone happy.  The more I did that, the more miserable I became.

Living that way wasn’t healthy for myself or anyone I shared that life with.  So, after much soul searching and honest, painful conversations, I moved forward with my life.  Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds for anyone involved.  I have spent the last sixteen months learning to listen to my spirit song and to follow where that song leads.  As of now, I am in a place of great peace, gratitude, and love.  My past helped shaped me, but it does not define my present or my future; nor will I allow it to.

My partners are wonderful and the children amazing.  Dear friends and family assist me in creating a rich and full life.  As I write this, I hear the bear cub waking from his morning nap and Freyrson is teaching Princess Superhero to operate the remote control tanks that she received for her birthday.  The irony of discussing peace and love, while sounds of tanks blowing each other up and randomly wandering in to shoot at me, has me giggling as I write this.  On a side note, the cat does not like being chased by the tanks.  So he ran to the opposite side of the baby gate, and now is brave enough to stalk the tank.

The beauty and chaos of a rich full home fills my soul.  It reminds me of my youth and having all my cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents around.  The laughter and noise filling the homes, along with the smells of food, drink, and cigarettes.  The seasonal sports on the television, the kids running around the house until we got kicked outside for being too noisy or underfoot.  This chaos was daily life for us.  Now, it is once again daily life for me.  I hope that our children grow up with the amazing memories of fellowship and love that are the good parts of my childhood memories.

Inspiration is beginning to flow as freely as it once did for me.  This morning when Princess Superhero fell hard, she wanted comforting. She curled into my lap and I began to sing spirit song to her. For me, spirit song is typically notes, not words. Today, words came unbidden from my heart and she found great comfort in them.  When she was ready to run and play, I continued singing and wrote some of it down.  Hopefully, I can continue to develop that piece.  I have also been jotting down random thoughts regarding Freyja that I want to breathe some life and poetry into.

Sunday, I had a conversation with a baby sparrow.  It sat next to me and sang for a time, hopping up and down.  Then it would quiet down and I chatted with the baby.  We did this for quite some time until the baby bird was ready to fly back to the nest.

Brightest Blessings,

Irisa

 

Days 16, 17, 18, and 19

The days slip by so quickly. I didn’t realize that it had been almost a week since I sat down to write. I have been keeping my practices of devotions, meditations, and time for myself. Where I need improvement is my yoga practice and writing.

I definitely feel my relationship with Frigga deepening as my understanding of a hearth. The more I understand my relationship with a hearth, the more I delve into and understand my nurturing nature, and deepen the relationship with myself.

Each time I grasp my mandala it makes me feel more centered and at peace. I do not need it to meditate, but I definitely take comfort in holding it. Also, the breathe meditation, specifically the alternate nostril, has been a huge help in falling back to sleep when the kids get up at night.

Princess Superhero has been showing an interest in the meditation. It is adorable to watch her do the deep breathes. She frequently asks me if I am sleeping because my eyes are closed. With her, it is more of laughing meditation – which is a wonderful thing.

Both Bear Cub and Princess Superhero have taught me a lot about living in the moment, something I have had a hard time with. From a young age it has been drilled into me to always look toward the future and what I can do to improve the current situation. While that is an important skill to have, it is just as important to live in the current moment. A philosophy I didn’t learn until I began to explore Eastern Philosophies.

The important moments of life are so fleeting. Oftentimes the happiest of memories are but a single moment … a first kiss, true eye contact, shared laughter, stories shared over a beverage … you get the idea. Speaking of which my coffee sister is coming over for a very long overdue chat and I am very much looking forward to this.

Days 13, 14, and 15

I’ve been spending a lot of time on wrapping up projects while the weather is good, contemplation of my relationship with Earth Mother, observation of my daily life, and meditation. In these contemplations I have realized how deep my relationship with cooking fresh food goes. One of my little joys is going to the farmers market, or getting something from a friends garden, and turning it into a culinary delight for my family. Doing this leaves me feeling grounded and tranquil. As I am doing this work I feel connected to Earth Mother and her gifts to us.

As for my daily life, I really love being a stay at home mom. Not only do I love taking care of the kids, but I love taking care of my partners. Being able to nurture others and take care of the house brings me a sense of joy. I cannot wait until we have some land to work.

Carving out time for myself has always been difficult for me. For many reasons I have never been good at taking time for myself. But, with the help of my partners, I am finally getting better at this. I am learning a new type of balance and the more that I do feed my needs the more joy I am getting out of my daily life. I truly enjoy giving and the more I feel at peace with myself, the more I have to give.

Days 9, 10, 11, and 12

I managed to spend a lot of time outside and playing the last 4 days. Long drives, time in the backyard, fresh air, sunshine, and a lot of quality time with the kids.

When I am outside, I am trying to be more observant of the little things in nature. I have been rewarded by seeing dragonflies play among the flowers, birds dancing along the wind, the play of the breeze among the trees and flowers, and spiderwebs glistening in the sun.

Slowly, I am releasing that which I was not able to express over the course of my separation and divorce. I am adjusting to the new freedoms in my life. It is counter-intuitive to have ” simply be yourself”, with no strings attached, be the most difficult expectation with which to live.

When that was first said to me I kept waiting for the disclaimer. The one that qualifies the statement with as long as you don’t do xyz, or as long as you make xyz amount of money, or as long as you keep xyz things about your personality secret, or some other such condition. Why did I expect that?

Because, that has been the underlying condition my entire life. Since I was a small child I have heard how, different, intense, bluntly honest, and how my personality was too much. I was told to stop questioning and conform. Stop “wearing my heart on my sleeve”, to just stop and act like everyone else.

Day 6 of 100

The kids and I went for a walk to the library. Round trip is a mile, plus pushing a double stroller with two kids is a small workout. This is something that I want to start doing with more frequency. A daily walk would be good for all of us.

I finished the book Buddha Heart, Buddha Mind, and am still wrapping my thoughts together to write up a review. There was a lot of intense discussion to the Buddhist philosophy and it gives me a lot of thought on ideas for approaching life situations. I am spending more time observing both the daily situations of my life, as well as, the emotional reactions and responses that the situations invoke in me. This practice of mindfulness will go a long way to achieving a deeper level of personal clarity and insight.

There must have been something in the astrological alignments today. I have had some amazingly intense, honest, and personal conversations. The level of trust given to me was amazing. I am so very honored to have these people as my friends, as well as to have earned this level of trust.

As far as Earth Mother; aside from noticing the weeds in my yard and how warm the walk was, I do not feel as though I did her much honor today. I will see if I can do better tomorrow.

Today did not feel overly spiritual, but very honest with myself and those with whom I had deeper conversations. I have a lot of thoughts in my head that I am beginning to write down with the intent to revisit them and reflect upon them in greater detail.

Blessings,
Irisa

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