The time slips by so quickly. I have managed to do some private writing every day, but I definitely need to get better at the public writing. Since I began this project, I have noticed a lot of changes in myself. Things that have happened simply due to the awareness that comes from mindfulness. Taking time to be mindful of my thoughts and actions has given me the emotional distance needed to allow for clarity.
Perhaps this clarity is what initially drew me to the concept of mindfulness when I was in college. Whatever drew me to this in the past, I find that my present benefits drastically from being mindful. I am finding myself more in sync with my friends and family, as well as myself and Earth Mother. These days, peace, love, and gratitude are my constant companions. This is a welcome change from the years of emotional turmoil that I allowed myself to function under.
The catalyst of this cauldron of emotions was leaving a life of twenty years and moving into creating the life I had begun to envision for myself when I was a teen. For years I struggled with the decision to leave that life and move into something that filled my soul. If you have ever left someone that you once loved, let alone a life you have created, and land that you have tended, then you know that leaving is never easy.
The result of leaving was a great deal of emotional turmoil. On one hand, I was happier than I had ever been. I finally felt free to be myself and pursue my dreams with people who have similar dreams. However, I had been committed to an entirely different life for twenty years. Since childhood this was the life that I was told that I was supposed to want. Some aspects of that life I did want, but much of it did not speak to my heart and soul. I struggled so very much to conform and make everyone happy. The more I did that, the more miserable I became.
Living that way wasn’t healthy for myself or anyone I shared that life with. So, after much soul searching and honest, painful conversations, I moved forward with my life. Moving forward is not as easy as it sounds for anyone involved. I have spent the last sixteen months learning to listen to my spirit song and to follow where that song leads. As of now, I am in a place of great peace, gratitude, and love. My past helped shaped me, but it does not define my present or my future; nor will I allow it to.
My partners are wonderful and the children amazing. Dear friends and family assist me in creating a rich and full life. As I write this, I hear the bear cub waking from his morning nap and Freyrson is teaching Princess Superhero to operate the remote control tanks that she received for her birthday. The irony of discussing peace and love, while sounds of tanks blowing each other up and randomly wandering in to shoot at me, has me giggling as I write this. On a side note, the cat does not like being chased by the tanks. So he ran to the opposite side of the baby gate, and now is brave enough to stalk the tank.
The beauty and chaos of a rich full home fills my soul. It reminds me of my youth and having all my cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents around. The laughter and noise filling the homes, along with the smells of food, drink, and cigarettes. The seasonal sports on the television, the kids running around the house until we got kicked outside for being too noisy or underfoot. This chaos was daily life for us. Now, it is once again daily life for me. I hope that our children grow up with the amazing memories of fellowship and love that are the good parts of my childhood memories.
Inspiration is beginning to flow as freely as it once did for me. This morning when Princess Superhero fell hard, she wanted comforting. She curled into my lap and I began to sing spirit song to her. For me, spirit song is typically notes, not words. Today, words came unbidden from my heart and she found great comfort in them. When she was ready to run and play, I continued singing and wrote some of it down. Hopefully, I can continue to develop that piece. I have also been jotting down random thoughts regarding Freyja that I want to breathe some life and poetry into.
Sunday, I had a conversation with a baby sparrow. It sat next to me and sang for a time, hopping up and down. Then it would quiet down and I chatted with the baby. We did this for quite some time until the baby bird was ready to fly back to the nest.