Days 9, 10, 11, and 12

I managed to spend a lot of time outside and playing the last 4 days. Long drives, time in the backyard, fresh air, sunshine, and a lot of quality time with the kids.

When I am outside, I am trying to be more observant of the little things in nature. I have been rewarded by seeing dragonflies play among the flowers, birds dancing along the wind, the play of the breeze among the trees and flowers, and spiderwebs glistening in the sun.

Slowly, I am releasing that which I was not able to express over the course of my separation and divorce. I am adjusting to the new freedoms in my life. It is counter-intuitive to have ” simply be yourself”, with no strings attached, be the most difficult expectation with which to live.

When that was first said to me I kept waiting for the disclaimer. The one that qualifies the statement with as long as you don’t do xyz, or as long as you make xyz amount of money, or as long as you keep xyz things about your personality secret, or some other such condition. Why did I expect that?

Because, that has been the underlying condition my entire life. Since I was a small child I have heard how, different, intense, bluntly honest, and how my personality was too much. I was told to stop questioning and conform. Stop “wearing my heart on my sleeve”, to just stop and act like everyone else.

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