Geek Girl Inspiration!

I had been perusing YouTube and catching up on my subscription to Felicia Day’s (FD) channel.  First, I am so psyched to find the Vaginal Fantasy Hangout book club started by Felicia Day and sad that I hadn’t found it sooner!  After finding this I went on a search for other projects by Felicia because I love her work and find her passion inspiring this led me to find the March 20, 2012 podcast of Making it with Riki Lindhome (RL) featured Felicia Day.  This podcast really resonated with me, so I pulled out quotes that really reached me and thoughts along the way.

“I actually feel like I got a career when I went back to who I really felt I was …(FD)”

I have been dissatisfied with my career for a long time and this has been a huge struggle for me.  After all, by American society standards I have nothing to be unhappy about.  I make great money, work normal hours and have relative job security.  However, I am unchallenged, bored and do not feel I am making a difference.  All of these things I have struggled with since I entered the work force as a teenager.  I strive to make an impact.  I need to be challenged as I have no attention span if I am bored.  I want to be engaged and passionate.

What are the top three jobs that I still think about?

  • My first job at my school districts administration building.  I was still a high school student and learned so much about politics and people at that job.
  • My job at a hoagie shop/convenience store.  I learned about family dynamics, relationships, transitions to corporate culture and people.  The work was busy and I had lots of interaction with people.  Plus I was a manager, which I confirmed that I do indeed like being in charge.
  • My job as a mutual fund advisor.  I struggle with money and think it causes more heartache than not, however it is a necessary evil for the world we live in.  At this job I got to help people decide how to best get the return on their funds.  What made this rewarding?  Most of these people were retirement age or older, many recently widowed and using the interest income to live their remaining life and manage medical expenses.  Helping them get the most for their money, so they did not struggle or deplete their funds before they passed on was rewarding to me.

Do I have a dream? Yes, it is one I have had a few that I have held onto for as long as I can remember.  Actually I have a few from my younger days that are in my heart, but today we will focus on the biggest one – writing.  I love to write, it is this unending passion deep inside me.  I see stories in everything.  Every interaction, every comment, I see and hear a story in my mind.  When I was younger, I wrote them all the time or spoke them to the children I would watch.

Then something broke inside of me.  I was told to grow up, get a job and survive.  Choices made put survival at the top of the list and while I still had stories in my mind the time to write them and speak them became shorter and shorter until I eventually focused on being “responsible”.  Then insomnia, depression or some other manic state would set in and I would write.  It could be 3 a.m. or on napkins during lunch but I would write.  However, I stopped sharing the writing.  I couldn’t tell you exactly why I stopped.  Perhaps I heard one too many times how it was a “nice hobby” or “how sweet”.

Somehow, the fact I was writing from my soul was missed by those I shared the writings with and I just stopped sharing, and for long periods of time, writing.  Over the years I found a few people to occasionally show the writings too.  When this happened my passion for life would flare and it was as if I had removed the blindfold and ear plugs from my senses.  I would be refreshed, renewed and then eventually the pressure to be “responsible” would become overwhelming and I would push my writing to the side.

Yet, over time, my writing became a staple to my spiritual life and my obsession with poetry and song lyrics never diminished.  My only regret to those years is that I didn’t value and save each creation or track where my stories and poems were published.  So much more was authored and destroyed without sharing.  Is everything I write wonderful?  No – but it was authentic.  Those words were real for the moment and time I wrote them.  The stories were alive for the time my imagination breathed life into them.  They were valuable pieces of myself and I wish I had kept them.

So why do I reference the quote from Felicia Day?  Because the timing to hear that statement from a passionate, creative, off-beat woman was perfect.  I am in the position of re-evaluating my life and deciding what I want for the next stage of life.  Each day our time grows shorter and I want to live each moment to the fullest.  I don’t know how many tomorrows I will be granted so it is foolish for me to keep living as if there will always be a tomorrow.  I’ve done that and now in the midst of my 39th year realize I cannot be true to myself and continue to delay my heart’s desires.

Will writing be the life that I once envisioned?  I hope so, but in the end as long as I create, I am being true to myself.

Always we learn more from our mistakes than our successes (FD) …

This reminds me of a letter I received from Ray Bradbury when I was in High School.  I remember this project vividly.  It was high school government class and we had to write to two people we felt were inspirational and received a response.  Bradbury had long inspired me as a visionary writer, so I though what the hell.  I wrote him and another author; side note I was the only one two receive responses from both individuals.

My letter to Bradbury was the first confession, outside of one teacher, that I wanted to be a professional writer.  From a youthful, naive standpoint I wrote about my passion and dreams.  Not only did he answer all the mundane questions on how to be a writer, he dug up a letter from the 60’s that he had written to another person who posed similar questions (typed 4 pages) and sent it with a handwritten note to follow my passion and write every day (paraphrased).  I still have this letter and it is one of my treasured possessions.

My greatest mistake has been not writing everyday.  So, from this point forward I make a personal commitment to write each and every day.  Some will be for the blog, others for personal writing and hopefully in time the books I feel in my soul will take shape … if the muses and fates look kindly to me.

There is something to writing down what you want and making it specific and then telling someone (RL) … 

Writing from the heart every day and seeing where the journey takes me.  There are other dreams and desires, but I will save them for another day 🙂

You are never competing against other people, you are only competing against yourself … we are all different people … The only thing you can be responsible for is yourself  (FD) …

She continues on to make a great point that it is about knowing yourself best and those are the people who land auditions in LA.  I think there is a great point on knowing yourself best.  I do think that those who strive to know themselves and stay true to themselves are the ones that manifest the life they desire because they don’t get distracted by the little stuff.  Not being distracted by the little stuff is something I am getting back to.  Dreams are important.  It doesn’t mean you are unhappy with your current life, it simply means you have desires you have yet to manifest.

The only thing you can be responsible for is yourself  (FD) …

This is probably the lesson I am struggling with the most.  When you are true to yourself you are going to make decisions that those in your life do not agree with.  Stating where you are emotionally and mentally is a very difficult thing.  Add in that what you want and need may be at odds with a loved ones and guilt ensues, at least for me.  So I am walking the line with honesty to self and those in my life without being callous.  Do some of the things I want differ from loved ones? yes.  Hopefully, compromises can be made when these situations arise.  Otherwise you are left in the awkward space where each person decides what is best for them and then deals with the impact that has on the relationship.  Definitely a lesson I am still growing into and working on.

Some of the things I have done have not been exactly what I wanted them to be, but I know I tried hard enough and there is nothing else I could have done at this point to make it better (FD) …

In my experiences there is a cultural expectation for perfection.  It is something I see in the various corporate cultures I have been a part of as well as what we have projected at us through media and advertising.  How many times have you beat yourself up because XXX didn’t turn out perfectly?  In reality, I believe that giving something our all and really doing our best is all that we can do.  If that means learning a new skill or pushing our comfort zone, then so be it.  But in the end, if I have given something my all, that is all I should really expect of myself.  Because when I give my all you get all of me, my best attempts, my worst attempts, but all the heart, soul and energy I can muster go into a project or relationship when I give it my all.  Sometimes, that is a detriment.  It is easy to lose oneself while giving their all, but if you are following your passion instead of someone else’s then you should be able to find balance when you need it.

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